Making an incredible bad movie is an art. An enjoyable piece of cinema – if you can call it that – which brings a level of joy that no quality film can bring us. Classic bad movies of recent time which have taken the world by storm include Sharknado (scoring a generous 3.3 on IMDB) and Zombie Strippers (sitting in at an even higher 4.1 on IMDB). These have a special place in all our hearts for something complete different to that of The Shawshank Redemption.
Bad movies aren’t just bad, a well done bad movie is enjoyably bad and watching them draws you into this absurd word of bad writing, questionable special effects and acting, and predicable plots. But just like a roller coaster, they’re fun above all else. Their characters always have this look about them which is over the top, and they always seem to try and say marketable catchphrases;
It’s Paco time.Paco (Zombie Strippers, 2008)
The other night I was hanging out with friends talking about some of the most random things we’ve seen on the internet. Like always, crazy candid prank videos and stupid fail-blogs clips were front and centre, casting them to the TV for a good hour of laughs, but after a while the conversation naturally turned to bad or WTF movies.
One of my all time favourite’s is Mortal Kombat (1995) – it is so bad that there is literally a clip from ‘Chucky’ on it’s IMDB and no-one is doing anything about it, seriously, check for yourself. If you have seen this film you’ll get what I mean when I say I can’t help but love it. I love how bad it is so much I literally have it on DVD, BluRay and Digital Download – spending about $15 a pop for each medium, plus I have bought it for friends as gifts to share the joy of it’s badness.
This conversation led to Googling, which led to this discovery; Just like rule 34, there is a film about anything and everything out there just waiting to be discovered.
So remember when you were drunk and you came up with a ‘revolutionary movie idea’, well, that movie exists and it’s as bad as you’d think. What’s more interesting though is that most of these films turned out so bad that they’re not even listed to buy on streaming services such as Google Play or iTunes. With the help of Google, we discovered the film we were going to get our hands on because after reading the description, instantly decided we must watch this.
It’s was called ‘The VelociPastor‘ and here’s the extract from IMDB;
After losing his parents, a priest travels to China, where he inherits a mysterious ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. At first horrified by this new power, a hooker convinces him to use it to fight crime. And ninjas.
I know right. Wow! We found the trailer on YouTube cemmeting the ‘Must Watch’ list for us, searching far and wide for a legal legit copy of this film… and nothing.
No Netflix, Prime Video, Stan, Google Play, iTunes, YouTube, or Disney+. To be honest I found a torrent for it but decided against this because the film seemed pretty low budget and, even if it was hilariously bad, we wanted to support the makers in any way possible – plus Brendan Steere‘s acting is worth every cent.
So the quest continued day after day, and unlike my mates, I prevailed while they got over it. I researched the s**t out of this. I didn’t think it would be this hard to find top of the line bottom of the line films. Surely there was a legitimate service, or way to acquire bad movies. I wanted to pay too and I didn’t understand why it was so hard.
Unlike Game of Thrones, I doubted Foxtel had bought the rights to the digital distribution of every crappy film in the world and screwed over Aussies again. So, stubborn like the Irishman I am, I kept searching.
Then I remembered something.
An advert I saw in passing while searching the Play Store one day. A small free app which was ad-supported and hosted day-time crappy movies for free. I couldn’t remember what it was called but knew it wasn’t Popcorn Time.
Then it hit me.
I downloaded it and it came flooding back. Bad movies oozing from every bit – bad computer pun intended. Leading the way in the featured list was ‘Titanic 2’ – yes this exists – followed by the 2014 classic ‘The Sand’ – featuring a killer desert – and then the 2019, 5.6 star rated, 64% rotten tomato scoring ‘The VelociPastor’.
I did it! I found it. Now the hard bit needs to begin. I have to watch it. Watch all 1 hour and 10 minutes of it. Sigh.
If you follow me on Facebook and Twitter, you probably know that I want to get back into movie reviewing. I used to only review the popular films because this would get me hits but now I don’t focus on just hits – more content creation. So I’m going to jump on Tubi.TV for you so you need have too and review some incredible masterpieces.
‘The VelociPastor’ will finally be reviewed with the attention a synopsis like that deserves. Stay tuned!